Life Without Depression

Is effin weird.


I have a recent problem. I get bummed over real shit now. I slog around and mope and piss because life is hard. But after a day or two, I'm on to tackling the next impossible thing that's thrown at me (with every bit of displease, LET ME TELL YOU).

How... normal.

The bottom has continued to drop away for me. (That bottom being the bottom of the ocean where the whale shit used to rest.) This is fabulous. I'm really happy (heh) about it, don't get me wrong. But this having normal negative emotions for real reasons solely in the context of those real reasons is going to take some getting used to.

I've had lots of genuine reasons to be sad. But they never existed without the backdrop of horrible. The biggest part of this is that it's going to take some time to not be terrified that the next crappy day is more than just a crappy day and will lead to me falling in again. I still feel like the Grim is stalking me, and not being able to feel it makes me ever so sure it is right around the corner.

I'm in my last semester of required coursework for my MSW. I have some more courses I'm taking for a certificate and for fun. (Yeah, I'm THAT bitch who likes school.) And then over the summer I have an internship that is going to kick my butt. Well. I'm supposed to anyways. But I've been completely unable to find anything that fits really closely with my interests. Which I knew going in, but there was a rumor going around that made me hopeful and now I'm dealing with the disappointment that that isn't going to pan out. I'm also terrified of not finding a job when I finish. Hell, I'm terrified about finding a job when I finish. Defeat has always been the quickest route to being incapacitated. Actually having evidence of what my broken brain tries to convince me of is impossible to argue with. In the past, there's been no chance of fighting it, so I accept the worst case scenario internally and then then just plug away in whatever I'm doing. I don't quit--I rarely quit--but I don't fight the conclusion that I'm worthless and just getting by because whoever is in charge just wants to be rid of me and letting me finish is the least trouble. That's how I finished my last degree. I'm still not sure it wasn't the case. I hope things change over the next 10 months, because I deserve the confidence I had in July.

But, all of this I'm feeling right now? It's just ordinary defeat. My body isn't heavy. The world isn't closing in. I'm not depressed. I just feel like crap. And that's going to take some getting used to.