Functioning

I may or may not be as over my depression as I thought I was.

Fall is always bad for me, and, independently, I'm really stressed out. The end of the semester, my impending last semester of classes, my more terrifyingly impending final internship, the impending job hunt, impending, impending, impending. TERROR.

Yes. I am fretting something fierce about ALL OF THE THINGS. Fierce.

Oh and self doubt. So much self doubt.

But is this depression? I don't know. I still feel lighter than air. I feel the sun on my shoulders. Super. But I'm still very sad and there's all this *gestures widely* fear.

But! There may be hope. You see, the problem may be the ADHD and not the depression. They're mutually reinforcing, so it's hard to tell. But I'm finally doing something about it. Again. A few years ago, I went back on medication and it was wonderful. I mean. Not perfect, but functional, even in bad circumstances. Without it, I crashed and burned... slowly and painfully. My medication was discontinued when I stopped using birth control. I wasn't happy about it, but there aren't any good options. And it made the last year of my last job impossible and everyone noticed. I was terrible. I need treatment.

That hasn't changed, except I'm way better at school than I am at anything else, so I'm still doing well. I just feel like I'm out of control and I can't manage my brain. I miss thinking clearly. I miss thinking at all. I miss remembering things. I miss focusing. I miss being in charge of the self doubt and the negative self talk. I just want to function again. So I'm doing something about it. I finally applied for some coaching services done through the College of Education. I also decided to find a new psychiatrist. I'm hoping there's something else I can take that will be safe just in case. I have an appointment for the latter and am awaiting word on the former. So. Hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be less terrified and more sure that I can be effective again.