Well *that's* never happened before

The aforementioned funk was shockingly short-lived. I was able, in the scope of recent memory, to see a full "cycle" (please don't read more into this word than is warranted) of depression. I am still horrifically stressed and pretty moody, but I am not depressed. It is pretty clear from the timing and the rapidity of descent and ascent that the emotional compromise I experienced was chemical and likely resulted from being the bearer of a uterus and we're going to have to wait and find out if this is a new, permanent fixture of my life.

Just what I need.

For now at least I don't have this compulsion to the morose, and hopefully I can wean myself back onto my schoolwork before it's too late and explodes in my face.

This experience, as unnatural as it was, has given me an interesting perspective. I feel as though I'm depressed all the time. At least, that's how I think of myself. And, when the phases come and go very slowly and the depth of the depression is less severe than it might be, it's harder to really tell when you aren't depressed than when you are. I'll know it when I see it only works when you're actually looking right at it. Two weeks ago on, say, Monday, I would have said I was depressed. I was very stressed about my school work and pretty exhausted and having more trouble than usual with motivation (that is to say there was less than zero). But it is very clear now that that Thursday I was DEFINITELY depressed (we can clearly now see it was not clinical major depression) and had not actually been on Monday (or even Wednesday). And then a week later, I was definitely depressed when went into class the following Wednesday and clearly not when I left class. Yes, you read that correctly. It lifted in the span of 3 hours. I felt it come up. It was bizarre to say the least. And that's why it's so obviously chemical.

Anyways, I felt like sharing that I am feeling better. Brains are strange things and they misbehave so readily. And this is why it's so crippling. I can't predict what my brain will do. I can't plan for it. I can't control it. I simply have to take it as it comes and try to get things done regardless. That doesn't always work. I don't want to be like this. But I don't really have a choice. This isn't part of who I am. It's so obvious to me that it's a disease that has happened upon me. I may be overly prone to overthinking. I may be prone to anxiety. I may be prone to a number of flaws as a result of the ADHD. But unlike the ADHD which feels like part of me (I honestly can't imagine what existing without brain fog would be like), this wretched monster doesn't feel like a part of me. It feels external. It feels like something I should be able to avoid. It feels like something I should be able to defeat and prevent from attacking me again. But I know that isn't the case, and the disease agent isn't some embodied foe, some assaulting beast. The disease agent is something broken inside my brain. It's not my personality, whatever that is, but a crossed wire or a short in the mainframe.