When I was accepted to the grad program, it cut off a well-established spiral of depression. I felt lost and aimless and utterly defeated. I was simply waking and working and sleeping, passing the days with as little awareness as possible, unable to even comprehend that anything would pull me up. I was drowning. This post was an dread portent of what was waiting to befall me.
But, as my studies commenced, I was enveloped in a new vigor, a crescendo of worth and promise and success. But as life wears on, that confidence is flagging.
I am still doing well in my classes, at least, if this last week hasn't broken me forever, but the sense of promise has failed me. I'm currently absolutely paralyzed on a now-late assignment and wondering how much it will take to get it finished, since I spent last night crying instead of writing. And then there's another next week and then another and those five big projects and only 6 months to plan for going abroad and no money and cats peeing and fear and death and disease and horror and these damnable political ads make me absolutely frothy.
Oh but just finish it!
I wish I could begin to express how much this literally feels like an adrenal response. I can feel it coming, that great, wretched beast preparing to bite my neck and sever my spine (metaphor), and that knowledge alone results in a palpable fatigue in my very bones and a crushing vice on my lungs (not metaphor).
And the worst part is that it hasn't even been a week since it descended (and thus it's not clinical or treatable) and I've a week until my next session. I'm glad I have one scheduled, though. It can be so impossible to pick up the phone when I'm like this.
I feel like I should note that I am in control of my faculties and am not in any way a danger to anyone. I just feel horrible. :(
I wish there was something I could do. I hope you find some relief soon - at least enough to get one of those assignments off your plate to lift the burden. Sometimes, I find that just finishing what you can and turning it in is enough of a relief - but not sure how that will work with the depression symptoms you're facing. You're in my thoughts and I hope this black spell doesn't last or further erode your progress in school.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I always manage. I finished my assignment and will hopefully be able to get through the rest. It silly to say that knowing that I have such a lovely grade in that class, but it's taking its toll.
ReplyDeleteI've never experienced depression, but have friends who do and I know its a tough road. I really admire your blog for its honesty and wit and am glad you are sharing your voice and journey.
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