Not all monsters just show up on Halloween

I've been good for two years, but the stress of my current job search is wearing on me. I had a professional function this morning and only just managed to keep my composure and promptly went to pieces when everyone had left except two of my friends. I am not doing well, and that makes the situation feel even more dire. I should really write more. I have more to say. But I recall I told you a word once? Drowning. Drowning doesn't really coincide with the ability to sit long enough to write anything. I'm doing what I can and I'm keeping socially engaged so I'm not trapped in a box for too long. But the Beast is catching up to me and I do not have much right now to keep him at bay. The problem with job searches for me at least isn't really the rejection. I can handle rejection. I don't need people to like me. I like when they do, but I don't need it. But I cannot handle being a failure. This of course makes interviews worse than endless applications that get no response. Because I have not been rejected for a position, I have failed to perform in my first task, the interview. I know that this feeling is no more rational than feeling personally rejected by interviewers, but if mental health were about rational interpretation of events, we'd have cured it by now. The problem is that each of these "failures" seems to outweigh my skills and potential just a bit more until I no longer feel capable of doing a given position. It cripples me from the next application, the next first task, and if my some miracle I fill it out and get a call, it makes me even less capable of performing at that interview. But $40 copays, man. Even with insurance, care is often inaccessible.